Pardon My Bluntness

This SUCKS.

Excuse me for using such terms...but this really does. I am so fed up with my health I could care less whether  I lose more weight or not. I am so fed up with it. I know WLS would not be a cure-all. I don't regret having it...but I do regret it at the same time.

I want to go salmon fishing. I have been so excited about going salmon fishing for awhile. Last time I went, I wore sweatpants into the freezing cold water. I was SOOO cold...and I still have a chill deep into my bones from it. So, I plan on going tomorrow. Someone gave me a pair of waders. I was so excited. I measured the waist..IT FITS! But...then...as usual...I put my legs...my big fa****er filled...worthless legs in...and they wont even reach the boot. The waders aren't big enough.


This is SO NOT FAIR! WHY?? WHY CAN'T I FOR ONCE IN MY STUPID LIFE HAVE A BREAK?

I am not physically able to work....run....and now I can't even wear WADERS?


it has NOTHING to do with WLS...it has EVERYTHING to do with lymphedema...which is INCURABLE according to the specialist I saw.

What is the point of getting my gut ripped out...almost dying due to a cut vein....and I STILL can't wear the clothes I want.

I am not really sure what to say here...but I have to say something. I am so sorry that you are going thru all of this right now. It is so hard, and it is unfair.  There must be more than the one specialist, maybe another opinion? In any case... "worthless" is an awful word. I will keep you in my thoughts and send them out into the universe with my prayers. I am sorry that I can not find the right words to say, but I do hope that things turn around for you soon, take care.

Tim - I too am an avid fisherman (fly fishing is my thing).

I had weird dimensions as well.

I found a place that will make custom boots.

We are all unique. I have followed your posts here for a long time; and, like me, you've done this for health and not vanity reasons.

Here's the link:  http://www.thehuskyangler.com/waders.html

They are awesome waders.  Hope this helps you out.

 

I am going anyway....

I might get hypothermia...but I am going to catch a fish!

I mean....I even promised Jamie some Salmon!!

Thanks Tim for your honesty and sharing your current emotional frame. I appreciate the bravery necessary to do this as so many of us have struggled alone for so long.

I know when I say 'whatever' or 'I don't care' it is my attempt to protect myself, a way to cope with what seems like overwhelming pain, a defense I learned so long ago to not get hurt as a child that I carry with me today. Now though when that defense creeps up and it does often I am able to sometimes say "BUT I DO CARE!" and honor myself and my emotions!

I appreciate how unfair life is at times and how this fact certainly for myself anyways trigges my perfectionsim and victim thinking...It is when I most want to scream
"I AM HELPLESS AND HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHAT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE" that I now decide with what I have worked on that it is my IRATTIONAL THOUGHT PATTERN that takes on unfairness and thinks in black and white and that I am either a SUCCESS/FAILURE DEPENDING ON ONLY EXTERNAL FORCES/FACTORS, leaving me FEELING DOOMED TO FAIL and sometimes the slippery slope leads toENGAGE IN SELF-DEFEATING BEHAVIORS...I can therefore now more times than not challenge my thoughts and the victim belief with this sttement: "ALTHOUGH I MAY NOT HAVE TOTAL CONTROL OVER WHAT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE, I CAN ALWAYS CONTROL MYSELF AND HOW I RESPOND TO WHAT HAPPENS"..or I may have X but how I live my life with X is up to me....THIS EMPOWERS ME NO MATTER WHAT LIFE BRINGS.....or how unfair it is...or what childhood defenses it kicks up...So even though my perfectionistic thinking that "I MUST BE UNFAILINGLY COMPETENT and PERFECT IN ALL THAT I ATTEMPT TO DO/AM" also gets kicked in with body image issues..I know this irrational belief is not true that I do not have to be perfect or do things perfectly and that any deiation from perfection is ok and I am still OKAY! I do not have to let my value as a person be questioned becase I do not fit an unrealistic standard......Other irrational thoughts that come up is my child who wants life to be effortless and painfree..I now challenge that child and that thinking and know that "SOMETIMES LIFE IS DIFFICULT AND PAINFUL. IF I WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE, I MUST PERSEVERE IN SPITE OF THE DIFFICULTY AND PAIN". So I try TO COPE WITH THE PAIN OF LIFE byTREATING MYSELF WITH LOVE, CARING AND NURTURING of MYSELF. I know avoiding my issues does not help so when this comes up I can instead challenge the avoidanc in myself by affirming "I AM COMMITTED TO FACE AND RESOLVE THE PROBLEMS OF LIVING"....I do not do these all perfectly, I speak them as a way to reinforce my own thoughts and beliefs in case anyone can relate..

I have reread this short articel many of times since I first discovered it in the summer this year...
http://www.bsciresourcecenter.com/proddetail.php?prod=FAPersonalAcountability
"Life is so much better when we shed the victim thinking and simply choose the path of personal accountability."-John G. Miller



I know for myself and body image I can have Difficulty INTEGRATING these changes, DISTRESS can become a preoccupation that excludesmy ability to acknowledge any other POSITIVE personal characteristics
+ THE DISAPPOINTMENT of continuing problems can lead to SABOTAGING EATING BEHAVIORS! I now work on not STRIVING FOR PERFECTION but instead work on my BELIEF that IMPERFECT BODIES ARE BEAUTIFUL "AS IS". Sometimes I try and Find ONE feature that I like...when I start obsessing about EVERYTHING I perceive as WRONG with my body, I refocus on that ONE PART...Slowly the positive thoughts can spread...I know sometimes giving my perceivd flaw a voice, writing about what it would sa allows me to work on acceptance and making peace with it.
Although it may be imperfect what is good about it, what does that body part do for me? What if I didn't have it at all?


These are not solutions but they are what has helped me greatly. I do not walk in your shoes, I do not have lymphedema, I can not fully appreciate your challenges. I do wish for you self love and acceptance no matter what you have or do not have........it is only in being kind, gentle and lovign with ourselves that we will find happiness, peace, joy, serentiy and then we canhave those things to pay forward to others. For me self loathing keeps me trapped and I have nothing to share with those closest to me... Be well thanks for sharing!

Well, again, I decided that I was going fishing....waders or NO waders. Cold water or NO cold water. I just determined that I wanted to go fishing. Perfect or not....prepared or not, I wanted to go fishing. So...I went. Was the water cold? Yes. Was it worth it? Yes. Did I catch anything? Nope. Was it a waste of time? Nope. Will I do it again? Yep.


Thanks Jamie for your encouragement...and others. I did get 1/2 of a salmon from my friend. So I will portion it (for your husband and you) and then freeze it...and will bring it next support group meeting in "toga".

Tim:
Glad you went, glad it was worthit, glad you got some fish, I am honored you'd think of me and bring some! I look forward to it. I need to be lifted up at times and KNOW you would do the same for me...Be well

Hi Tim,

A very caring friend of yours told me about your posting and I wanted to stop by to offer my support.  Although lymphedema is not curable, there is a lot that you can do for it.  Have you had any formal therapy for it?  You mentioned that your legs are filled with water, if you do have lymphedema the fluid is actually "lymph fluid" that is mainly protein that is not circulating out of the body. Let me know what therapy you had tried and if you have seen a LE therapist.

Tim,

I am sorry you are having a difficult time right now-
I know how I feel when I am unable to do things-(exspecially things I enjoy)
I try to think postive and I try to think about the things I can do(as little as they may seem)

I want to tell you congrats on the amount of weight you have loss and difficult journey you have had -- you have come so far and that is something to be Proud of Inside and Out-
Try to think postive and take baby steps--I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers- !

Tim,
Well i sometimes have these same kinds of thought when I want to wear a shirt with no sleeve, sounds silly but I lost all this weight and STILL can not wear a sleeveless shirt because of the excess skin!!! It almost looks just as bad as the fat did! I said damn I had this surgery and all and I STILL can not wear the shirts I want to! I know this is on a smaller level then yours but sometimes those thoughts can get to us! We should allow our time to "grieve" and then move on in a more positive place.

I am not sure if that helps any but know that you are not alone
with those kinds of thoughts!